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Text File | 2002-08-23 | 35.3 KB | 949 lines

From the JOKIN' AROUND AGAIN DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159. HOW MANY LAWYERS DOES IT TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? A. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." SELF IMPROVEMENT CLASSES NOW AVAILABLE BELOW IS A PARTIAL LIST OF CLASSES BEING OFFERED THIS SPRING 1. SELF IMPROVEMENT Creative Suffering Overcoming Peace of Mind Guilt Without Sex Ego Gratification Through Violence Creative Depression Whine Your Way to Alienation How to Overcome Self Doubt Through Pretense and Ostentation A New Drug to Enhance Your Social Life 2. BUSINESS AND CAREER Money Can Make You Rich. I made $100 in Real Estate Career Opportunities in El Salvador How to Profit From Your Own Body The Underachievers Guide to Very Small Business Looters Guide to American Cities Growing Grass For Fun and Profit 3. HOME ECONOMICS How You Can Convert Your Family Room Into a Garage 1001 Other Uses For Your Vacuum Cleaner Burglarproof Your Home With Concrete The Repair and Maintenance of Your Virginity How to Convert a Wheelchair Into a Dunebuggy Christianity and the Art of RV Maintenance 4. HEALTH AND FITNESS Creative Tooth Decay Exorcism and Acne The Joys of Hyperchondria High Fiber Sex Biofeedback and How to Stop it. Skate Yourself to Regularity Tap Dance Yourself to Social Ridicule Optimum Body Functions 5. CRAFTS Self-Actualization Through Macrame How to Draw Genitalia Needlecraft for Junkies WHY CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN: The average cucumber is at least six inches long. A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't count. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety. A cucumber will never leave you for another woman. Cucumbers stay hard for a week. Cucumbers don't get TOO excited. Cucumbers are easy to pick up. It's easy to drop a cucumber. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber. With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry. You always know where your cucumber has been. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month. You can eat a cucumber when YOU feel like it. A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin. Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves. You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is married, A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy". Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it. YOUR ASTROLOGY CHART AQUARIUS: Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractable, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are stupid. PISCES: Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA & FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals. ARIES: Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a real prick. TAURUS: Apr. 21 - May 21 You are practical and persistant. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist. GEMINI: May 22 - June 21 You are quick and an intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest. CANCER: June 22 - July 23 You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off and that's why you will always be on welfare and never worth a shit. LEO: July 24 - Aug. 23 You consider yourself a born leader while others think you are pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. This arrogence is disgusting. Leo people are always thieving bastards. VIRGO: Aug. 24 - Sept. 23 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your few friends. You are cold and un- emotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make excellent bus drivers and pimps. LIBRA: Sept. 24 - Oct.23 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely to be queer. Changes of employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are excellent whores. All Libras are carriers of venerial disease. SCORPIO: Oct. 24 - Nov. 22 You are shrewed in business and cannot be trusted. You achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered. SAGITTARIUS: Nov. 23 - Dec. 21 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal because you are always getting done over. CAPRICORN: Dec. 22 - Jan. 20 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been an individual Capricorn of any particular importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for long periods of time as they tend to attract pidgeons. OUR LITTLE FRIEND "ROBBIE RUBBER" REMINDS US TO: 1. Cover your stump before you hump. 2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker. 3. Before you blaster, guard your bushmaster. 4. Don't be silly, protect your willy. 5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner. 6. When in doubt, shroud your spout. 7. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong. 8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey. 9. If you ain't going to sack it, go home and whack it. 10. Before you bag her, cover your dagger. 11. It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter. 12. If you slip between her thighs, condomize. 13. Save embarrassment later - cover your gater. 14. She won't get sick if you cap your dick. 15. If you go into heat, package your meat. 16. If you're undressing Venus, dress up your penis. 17. Off with her pants and blouse? Suit up your trouser mouse. 18. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker. 19. In December, gift wrap your member. 20. She'll do cunnilingus with a shielded dingus. 21. A Trojaned hoss gathers no moss. 22. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool. 23. The right selection? Sack that erection. 24. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil. 25. Befo' the van start rockin' cover it with a stockin'. 26. A crank with armor will never harm her. 27. Before you disrobe, cover your probe. MEMORANDUM TO: All Employees From: Communications Services SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ In order that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T) We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than most employers. If you feel you have not received your share of S.H.I.T., please see your supervisor. You will be placed on the S.H.I.T. list for special attention. All of our supervisors are particularily qualified to give you all of the S.H.I.T you need. If you consider yourself to be trained already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you, as a trainer to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY page TRAINING program. B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. If you have further questions, please address them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING program. (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.) Thank You. Boss in General SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T) Copy to: Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division. (CROCK-OF-SHIT) COMPARE WITH TACOS Tacos: don't compare you with friends. don't tell their mother that you are an asshole. won't tell your mother that you are an asshole. won't mind if you share them with friends. don't fall in love with you. don't gag. don't care how much meat you put in them. don't give you herpes. NEVER call you back in a month with bad news. don't care if you respect them in the morning. won't throw up in your front seat. won't scream so loud that it wakes up the neighbors. won't leave scratches on your back. don't tell you that size doesn't count. can get away on weekends. don't care if you come home smelling like strange tacos. don't fog up your car windows. don't call you at home. won't mind if you talk about other tacos in your sleep. won't leave panties in your car. won't spit it out in the toilet. can handle rejection. won't ask you about former tacos. don't demand alimony when you stop eating them. are immune to yeast infections. don't yell "beat me, hurt me, bite me!!". never eat other tacos. won't make you keep eating until you get it right. don't get headaches. don't make you tell them it was great. You can get tacos for 55 cents a piece. You don't have to be a postman to eat tacos any day of the week. You can eat a taco in a two seat roadster or even while driving. You can eat a taco and know that you're the first. If you don't finish a taco, it doesn't go away mad. You can eat a taco with your glasses on. You can always make a taco hot. A taco never tells you how to eat it. You can still eat a taco after you forget its birthday. You can breathe when you eat a taco. It's easy to get rid of a taco. THE MACHO NERD By Dan Gutman There's a new breed of man around these days. I call him "The Macho Nerd." The Macho Nerd is the high-tech guy of the Nineties who proves his masculinity by letting the world know about his great computer system and how much he knows about technology. It no longer matters how athletic you are, how good-looking you are, or how much money you make. All that matters is your hardware. When you meet a Macho Nerd, the first thing he asks is "So...what kind of system do you have?" This is how The Macho Nerd sizes you up. Macintosh guys consider themselves superior to Apple II guys, and Apple II guys consider themselves superior to Commodore or Atari guys. IBM guys, naturally, consider themselves to be above everybody. I've met guys who were ashamed to tell me they still use an old TRS-80 computer. They can't even look you in the eye when they say it, and make sure to add that they'll be buying a new computer any day now. I myself am embarrassed to admit to Macintosh aficionados that I still use "MacWrite," an adequate but elementary word processing program. "Whattsa matter, wimp?," they sneer, "Not man enough to handle "Microsoft Word"? To these computer literate bullies, bigger is better, new is good, old is bad, and the more money you paid for your equipment, the tougher you are. It isn't good enough to have a hard disk drive anymore. Now you've got to have a 40 MEGABYTE hard drive. It isn't good enough to have a RGB display. Now you've got to have a FULL PAGE display. And a scanner on your desktop always helps you earn respect. Real men don't use floppy disks. Bytes are for sissies. Megabytes are where it's at. The more the better. And the more desk space your computer system takes up, the more of a man you are. User friendliness is for wimps. Real men use hardware and software that is so incoherent and confusing that Einstein would give up in disgust. Computer people used to hide their hobby from the rest of the world like it was an illicit activity. These days, you can't shut them up. Most coversations, it seems, eventually work their way to spreadsheets and data bases. When it reaches that point, they like to show off their manliness by spouting computer jargon. I know a few things about computers, but at a trade show recently a guy talked to me for a half an hour and I have absolutely no idea what he said. When he was finished, I felt like I had been beaten up by the neighborhood bully. The sad part is, it looks like The Macho Nerd is here to stay. Teenage boys used to dream about driving a four-on-the-floor Corvette with 400 horsepower under the hood, mag wheels that could go from zero to sixty in less than seven seconds and a good-looking blonde in the passenger seat. These days, those same boys fantasize about a NEXT computer system with four megabytes of memory and a Hewlett Packard laser printer that will go from zero to 500 characters per second--and a good-looking blonde telecommunicating from her terminal across the country. ESD PRODUCT SERVICE SUPPORT SUBJECT:NEW RETAIN TIP Record number: H031944 Device: D/T8550 Model: M Hit count: UHC00000 Success count: USC00000 Publication code: PC50 Tip key: 025 Date created: O89/02/14 Date last altered: A89/02/15 Owning B.U.: USA Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU (Field Replacable Unit) TEXT: MOUSE BALLS ARE NOW AVAILABLE AS A FRU. IF A MOUSE FAILS TO OPERATE,OR SHOULD PERFORM ERRATICALLY, IT MAY BE IN NEED OF BALL REPLACEMENT. BECAUSE OF THE DELICATE NATURE OF THIS PROCEDURE,REPLACEMENT OF MOUSE BALLS SHOULD BE ATTEMPTED BY TRAINED PERSONNEL ONLY. BEFORE ORDERING, DETERMINE TYPE OF MOUSE BALLS REQUIRED BY EXAMINING THE UNDERSIDE OF EACH MOUSE. DOMESTIC BALLS WILL BE LARGER AND HARDER THAN FOREIGN BALLS. BALL REMOVAL PROCEDURES DIFFER, DEPENDING UPON MANUFACTURER OF THE MOUSE. FOREIGN BALLS CAN BE REPLACED USING THE POP-OFF METHOD, AND DOMESTIC BALLS REPLACED USING THE TWIST-OFF METHOD. MOUSE BALLS ARE NOT USUALLY STATIC SENSITIVE, HOWEVER, EXCESSIVE HANDLING CAN RESULT IN SUDDEN DISCHARGE. UPON COMPLETION OF BALL REPLACEMENT,THE MOUSE MAY BE USED IMMEDIATELY. IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT EACH SERVICER HAVE A PAIR OF BALLS FOR MAINTAINING OPTIMUM CUSTOMER SATISFACTION, AND THAT ANY CUSTOMER MISSING HIS BALLS SHOULD SUSPECT LOCAL PERSONNEL OF REMOVING THESE NECESSARY FUNCTIONAL ITEMS. P/N33F8462 -- DOMESTIC MOUSE BALLS P/N33F8461 -- FOREIGN MOUSE BALLS -------------------------------------------------------------------- [This came out of an IBM service database. Of course it's referring to the rubber ball inside a computer mouse...] You know it's going to be a ROTTEN DAY when... 1. You wake up face down on the footpath. 2. You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better. 3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. 4. You see a '60 Minutes' team waiting in your office. 5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any. 7. You put on the News and they are showing emergency routes out of the city. 8. Your twin sister forgot your birthday. 9. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of 'Hell's Angels' along the freeway. 10. The boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat. 11. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. 12. You walk to work and then find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose (that's even more embarrassing for ladies). 13. You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business. 14. Your blind date turns out to be your wife. 15. Your income tax cheque bounces. 16. You put both contact lenses in the same eye. 17. Your wife say's 'Good morning, Bill' and your name is John. GUESS I'm sure you can imagine it, as simple as can be. The place is very private, the players are he and she. She whispers will it hurt? Of course not he pleads. It's just a simple process, Lay back and open please. She said I'm kinda frightend, I've never done this before. He started to convince her, It wouldn't hurt much more. It's getting kinda painful, as tears formed in her eyes. It hurts me something awful, It must be quite some size. Now calm yourself my darling, your being held in sin. Open up slightly more, so I can squeeze more of it in. Then suddenly with a jump, she shout a little shout. It's overnow he said, thank god he pulled it out. Now if you read this carefully, surely you will find, he's really just a dentist, and it's all in your Dirty Mind. THE SCOTSMAN Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one enening fair And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet Then stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by And one said to the other with a twinkle in her eye See yon sleeping scotsman so strong and handsome built I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilt They crept up on that sleeping scotsman quiet as could be And lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see And there behold for them to view beneath his scottish skirt Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth They marveled for a moment then one said we must be gone Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow Around the bonnie star the scot's kilt did lift and show The scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled toward the trees Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gasps at what he sees In a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes Oh lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize OLD AGE IS HELL The body get stiff, you get cramps in your legs, Corn on your legs as big as hen's eggs. Gas on your stomach, elimination is poor, Take Exlax at night and even then your're not sure. You soak in the tub, or your body will smell, 'Tis just like I said, "Old age is hell". The teeth start decaying, eyesight is poor, Hair is falling all over the floor. Sex life is short, it's a thing of the past, Don't kid yourselves friends, even that doesn't last. Can't go to parties, don't dance anymore, Just putting it mildly, you're a "Hell of a Bore". Liquor is out, can't take a chance, Bladder is weak, might pee in your pants. Nothing to plan for, nothing to expect, Just the mailman, bringing your Social Seurity check. Now be sure your affairs are in order, And your will made out right. Or on the way to your grave, There'll be a hell of a fight. So if in the comming days, you feel fairly well, Thank God you're alive, Even tho: "Old Age is Hell". I wrote this in Honor of that poor Lady who was Robbed & Beaten then if that somehow wasn't enough, was shot in the Head three times and left for Dead, and somehow survived. None of the bullets penetrated her skull, and amazingly was in good condition, (considering What she went through). She gave a description to police who captured the animal 2 days later at the very same A.T.M. where she was kidnapped from, trying to get money with her card! 11/15/91 This is a comment , To a statement I've made. The people of this World, Have gone completely Insane. They rob you and Rape you. Just to mention a Few. Stab you and choke you, For something to Do. You park in their place, You're libel to be Shot. And if you drive a nice Car, It's more likely than Not! Now if you need a few dollars, To the Bank you will Drive. Better wear your Bulletproof Vest If you want to make it Alive It's out of Control, The fear we live In. You bolt your frontdoor, Just to get it kicked In. Now you want it to End, It's easy to Stop. Next time you have Trouble, Just Dial: 1-800-ROBO COP Here's Pat Cooksey's version "The Sick Note." The melody is the same as for "In The Garden Where the Praties Grow." Dear Sir, I write this note to you to tell you of my plight, For at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight. My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey, And I write this note to say why Paddy's not at work today. While working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear. To throw them down from such a height was not a good idea -- The Foreman wasn't very pleased, the bloody awkward sod, And he said I'd have to cart them down the ladders in my hod. Now clearing all those bricks by hand, it was so very slow That I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below. But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see That a barrel full of building brick was heavier than me! And so, when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead! I shot up like a rocket, 'til to my dismay I found That halfway up I met the bloody barrel coming down! The barrel broke my shoulder as toward the ground it sped, And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with my head. I hung on tightly, numb with shock from this almighty blow, And the barrel spilled out half the bricks, fourteen floors below. Now when those bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor, I then outweighed the barrel, and so started down once more, Still clinging tightly to the rope, my body racked with pain -- When halfway down I met the bloody barrel once again! The force of this collision, halfway up the office block Cause multiple contusions and a nasty state of shock. Still clinging tightly to the rope I fell towards the ground, And landed on the broken bricks the barrel scattered round. I lay there, groaning, on the ground. I thought I'd passed the worst, But the barrel hit the pulley-wheel, and then the bottom burst. A shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn't got a hope -- As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go the bloody rope! The barrel then was free to fall, and down it came once more And landed right across me as I lay upon the floor. It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today! A FLASHING POEM People were getting nervous after dark. Some dude had been flashing in the park. He wore a long trench coat and left pornographic notes, and giggled obscene remarks. Now the chief who was a former private eye. Said,"Never fear we'll apprehend this crazy guy." "Yeah, we got a great plan we're gonna send our best man Jones, of the F.B.and I. Well the plan was bound for success, although it called for a little daring finesse. See Jones would stroll alongside and appeal to his pride with a challenge to a flashing contest. And then when all the flashing began, Well, Jones would have his man! When he'd seen enough he'd snap on them cuffs. But there was just one catch to the plan! Now should Jones be caught somehow. Well the department would completely disavow Any knowledge of him he'd be out on a limb. Good luck, Jones, Go get him now. Meanwhile a grey Chevrolet had staked out the park that same day And unknown to Jones he was'nt working alone Out stepped Smith of the C.I. and A. Now Smith's orders were explicit Arrest that flasher illicit!! But should the assignment be blown Well ole Smith was all on his own! No help could he ever solicit. Now Smith's plan made pretty good sense. What he'd do, see he'd gain the flasher's confidence He'd begin to flash Then when the villain got brash. He'd handcuff the evidence! Go get him, Smith, You too, Jones! Now Smith and Jones saw each other over by the fountain Things got tense the suspense was mounting. They both thought the'd spotted their man. So they went to phase two of their plan. And the following details defy recounting. Ole Jones challenged Smith to a duel. And ole Smith thought to himself, "OK, I got you now you fool." And in a mutual flash, They both made a mad dash, And splash, fell into the pool. How the rest happened nobody knows. But in the struggle they both lost all their clothes! They came up with a sputter. Handcuffed to each other. Naked from their heads to their toes! Now along about this time here come the REAL FLASHER! Who made a citizen's arrest. Over loud and obscene protests. And he hauled 'em down to jail. And they were booked without bail. A SAD SITUATION AT BEST! To make matters worse they tried to make explanations. And they found they'd lost all their identification. Yeah, the F.B. and I. and the C.I. and A. didn't claim any association! Well they pleaded and swore they'd never do it again. So they didn't have to serve any time in the pen. Yeah, their sentence was suspended. Provided they attended, Rehabilitation classes for dirty old men! ODE TO THE MAMMOGRAM For years 'n years they told me, "Be careful of your breasts, Don't ever squeeze or bruise them And give them monthly tests". So I heeded all their warnings And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully And always wore a bra. After 30 years of dutiful care The doctor found a lump, He ordered up a mammogram To look inside that clump. "Stand up very close," she said, "Ah yes, there, that's fine", As she got my tit in line. "Tell me if it hurts", she said. She stepped upon a pedal ... I could not believe my eyes, A plastic plate was pressing down ... My boob was in a vice!!!! My skin was stretched and stretched From way up by my chin. My poor tit was being squashed To Swedish pancake thin! Excruciating pain I felt Within its vice-like-grip, A prisoner in this vicious thing My poor, defenseless tit!!!! "Take a deep breath," she said to me. Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is smashed in her machine I can't breathe, and woozy I'm getting. "There, that was good", I heard her say As the room was slowly swaying, "Now let's do the other one", Lord have mercy, I was praying. It squeezed me up and down, It squeezed from side t side, I'll bet SHE never had this done To HER tender little hide!!!! If I had no problem when I came in I surely had one now... If there had been a cyst in there It would have popped ... ker pow! This machine was made by man, Of this I have no doubt. I'd like to get his balls in there, For months he'd go without!!!! THE NIGHT BEFORE CRISIS T'was the night before crisis, and all though the house, not a program was working, not even a browse. The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, knowing changes of cutover hadn't a prayer. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a super programmer, oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name. On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete. His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, From weekends and nights in front of the screen. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, Turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk! And laying his finger on the "enter" key, The system came up and worked perfectly. The updates, updated, the deletes, they deleted, The inquiries, inquired, and the closing completed. He tested each whistle, and tested each bell, With nary an abend and all had gone well. The system was finished, the tests were concluded. The customer's last changes were even included. And the customer exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt, "It's just what I asked for, but it's not what I want". I once had a good home, nice wife, and good pay didn't see a thing standing in my way. I knew by all this that I would go far the only thing we didn't have was a shiny, new car. We wanted a car that would save us some dough so to the import dealer we decided to go. I got my wife and the old Chevrolet and down the road we both sped away. Those little cars were so pretty and quick down to every detail, everything just fit. Entered the showroom, greeted with a smile "Value and economy, mile after mile". We decided the deal and the price was just fine "Draw up the papers and we will sign on the line". Across the street American-made cars sat on the lot but we just laughed and talked about the great deal we just got. For a year or so everything went just fine until I took my place in the unemployment line. As I stood there with nothing better to do I said to myself, "How could this happen to you?" As I looked out the window and what did I see but hundreds of imports, all parked around me. I thought to myself as the check hit my hand "This can't happen to me, I'm only one man!" But then I realized it WAS my fault--you see thousands of others who bought an import, like me. Every import that is bought in the U.S.A. is a slap in our face, "Hip Hip Hooray!" From Florida to California, Main to the Dakotas everywhere you look, there are Datsuns and Toyotas. Now as I think about that great deal we made I see clearly the real price we had paid. I had a good job, built tires every day I did a good job, and I earned my pay. But now there is no need for my tires anymore because of those imports that bombard out shore. I don't have the money for those things I love to do I've lost my house, and my wife left me too. The bright life I once had has now turned so blue It's just me now, my memories and my Suburu! TWISTED TITLES Of Human Bandage Florence Nightingale gets under your skin. Fat On A Hot Tin Roof Tennessee Williams' delightful solar cookbook. Apocalypso Now Harry Belafonte goes upriver. Lord of the Fries Ronald McDonald descends into savagery. The Wind In the Pillows Well-bred young bride writes of marital unhappiness with flatulent older husband. From the JOKIN' AROUND AGAIN DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159.